he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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