He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Randomize
