my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
