Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize