Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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