im drinking this country out of the recession.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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