Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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