Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Randomize
