Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
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