see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
