I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
