she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
