At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
