My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
