she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Randomize
