if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
