Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
