Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Every concussion has its silver lining
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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