Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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