i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
