so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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