We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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