I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
