i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
