It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
