I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize