god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
