Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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