i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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