I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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