i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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