oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
