There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
