3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Randomize