From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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