Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
It's rum buckets o'clock
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
