It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
