Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
