well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
