At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I will pee on everything he values.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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