my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
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