oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
