you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
