Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I have aggressive nipples.
All the doctor said was why
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
