i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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