life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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