True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
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