I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
