My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
It was confusing and full of hummus
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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