i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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