It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
