Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
