At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
