like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
