i dedicated my morning wood to you.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
